In an e-mail conversation with Bri, I shared a piece of writing I did last year soon after my salvation. Perhaps all of the small details do not fit exactly, but the overall picture reminds me of Jahar: confusion, depravity, and searching for God yet trying to be your own savior. I hope that, at the very last, this poem will echo Jahar’s name. I trust God!
I do not find it impossible to believe that Jahar will be used to utterly glorify God. A couple of times I’ve actually wondered if perhaps it’s already come. I do not know this, it is just me imagining!
In addition to imagining Jahar feeling the peace that comes with Christ, I also imagine him feeling deep sorrow, depression, and emotional pain. I do not want to think of such suffering, but I cannot help but be sure that is how he must feel. I know that in the years before my salvation, I was lost in serious darkness. After years of pretending, I was finally able to write down my hypocrisy, my hatred, my despair, and (thankfully) my newfound Hope.
I’m sure that Jahar will one day have the same Hope as we do, sisters. We will all rejoice together at the Throne!
“I am a bullet, shot from my home.
I leave the barrel admist a fire;
The explosion jerks me forward, my home is now destroyed.
All around surrounding me, I can’t get away.
Faster I go, trying to escape the Pit
I must run away.
I feel the wind blow- so strong.
Stars, light, and sound scream their songs
As I pass by them.
I’m going too fast, I cannot stop!
Oh God, my God, what have I done?
Why am I running?
Oh God, how could I not?
Surely you have forgotten me.
I am nothing- nothing but a chunk of matter.
To you, I’m insignificant.
If I slam into a comet, would you care?
If I perish cold in the dirt, would you know?
Would you notice?
It is clear: I control my own life.
I was in the chamber because I was
I shot out because I CHOSE to run
Nobody created the fire.
Nobody is there.
I see that now.
Why am I suddenly falling
As I cry these words?
Faster and steeper, barely dodging tree-tops.
Confusion surrounds me;
I hear no cry, see no one.
I feel only pain.
The heat again
So intense as I gain speed.
My God, my Savior, I thought you would remember me!
I am in the very Pits; I cannot comprehend my situation!
Take away the heat- I am perishing!
Would you let me fall into oblivion?
My God, my Lord, I cry unto you!
If only you could save me,
I’d know I’d be yours.
O God, can I fall with you?
The pain is no longer pain
But it is there.
Is it regret?
But for what, I ask
My path levels out, the winds slow.
Oh Father, my Father, bless He who remembers His servants!
No longer is there pain in Your world,
There is no more fire in me,
Though it surrounds me.
You have heard my cry, and I thank You.
Cannot a sparrow fall to the earth?
Is it possible that You might not have known?
For You have graciously raised me
I am in the Light.
Pure light is all I see.
I fly above the cornfields, glide under the stars.
Farms pass under me, so serene.
Cities and lawns dot my vision,
But I do not let them confuse me.
I know where I am going,
But do not know where I shall land.
The Lord’s Will is my path,
He Himself is my Ultimate Guide.